Grieving

This is a sad post of events that happened since the Thursday before. (Which by the time I finish writing, was almost three weeks ago)

7 August was supposed to be an exciting day for Eric and I. We were looking forward to meet the little one that had been growing in me for the last 11 weeks and 6 days. Yes, it was almost the end of the first trimester! Dispite the disapproval of my gp, whom he kept insisted that I need not needed any scan untill the 16-18 weeks, I asked around for second opinions. However, the feedbacks from my many friends and even from my bible study leader  ( who is also a gp), suggested I get one done at least before the first trimester. So I kept pestering and insisted on getting one done. And finally, we couldn't wait to that day to arrive.

Throughout the pregnancy, it had been quite smooth sailing. Apart from the cold which I caught from visiting the doctor, I had been quite fit n well. There were always the slight pulling sensation on the tummy during the day, and the frequent trips to the toilet at night. Nothing as uncomfortable as the constant coughing which I got from the doctor.

On Thursday, Eric accompanied me to church where I taught English to the new migrants students. Then, we went for a yum cha lunch, before heading in together to the radiology clinic for my ultrasound appointment. During the scan, we saw the baby. It had a head, and a curving body. Omg, I was so excited! 

But then, things were not right. The lady performing the ultrasound could not see any heartbeat. So she request to do an internal scan, but the result were the same. The measurement for the baby, states that it was the size of 8weeks 3 days. Not 12 weeks. Eric and I were shocked. 

We waited outside for the reports. That felt like the longest wait. There were no tears. Just confusion as to what had just happened. The radiologist suggested that we bring the report straight back to the gp immediately. And so we did. But thinking back, we regretted going back to him. 

Clinic as usual was busy. Gp was quite shocked to see us waiting. So he took a quick look at the report faxed to his office, and called us in to the empty room next door. He started blabbering about the dating scan result, showing 8weeks fetus, and trying his best to explain why it would be different to his predicted 12 weeks. It got us confused and Eric and I had to cut him short, telling him that the scan showed no heart beat of the fetus, and the baby had not grown since 8 weeks. (Oh man....)

Then he read the report clearly, and realised his mistake. He left the room, seen another patient, and then bring us into his room again. -_-"

He gave a very brief generic pep talk about miscarriage, and went right into the D&C procedure to get rid of it. He scribble a clinic name on a piece of paper, and passes it to us, saying no referral is needed. Wondering about other options available, like a more natural way, he immediately dismissed them and  insist that the procedure is very safe (not true) and would want us do it ASAP.

So that made us very kancheong. So immediately when we left the clinic, Eric called up the clinic to see if there are any bookings for over the weekends. We also have to reorganize my work for the weekend and the following week as I was supposed to relief another practitioner at the city clinic. And there are the midwife appointment which was to be happened in two weeks time....

I don't know how, we reached the car park at our church ground. It was so devastating. We sat in the car, wondering what to do next. I looked up to see where the 'clinic' was to get the procedure done, but only it realised that it was an abortion clinic! Feeling disgusted, we decided to call the midwife which was assigned to us. She was really caring. She was shocked about us being refered to an abortion clinic. She suggest that we go back to the gp and get a referral to the hospital, where we can be better looked after. And if there are any massive bleeding, we should just go to the emergency department immediately.

It was very comforting talking to the midwife. But we were not willing to go back to our gp for the referral, after what he had 'refer' us to. In desperation, we gave a call to my bible study leader whom is a gp, and explained the situation. She immediately told me it go see her first thing tomorrow and she could write a referral to the hospital clinic for early pregnancy issue. 

And the next day, when we arrived at her clinic, she squeeze us in even though she had a very full and busy schedule. She had even organized an appointment for us the night before (after we called her last night) at the hospital, so that we could see the doctors first thing on the following Monday. Oh that so put our worry at ease.

So for the weekend, we waited. With sadness and praying that things will be smooth on our visit to the hospital on Monday. I still went to work on Saturday, but I had to cancel the two day of work (Monday and Tuesday) which I was meant to relief my colleague.

On the early morning of Monday, at 5am, I had a very severe pain in my tummy. Like a very very bad period pain. Eric was with me to help comfort, get me painkillers and help me to the toilet. At the toilet, is where I had 'given birth'. 'Things' just kept coming out and the pain was better when it had all finished. I was exhausted. I rested in bed for another few hours before getting ready to go to the hospital for the appointment.

There were a few emergency appointments at the early pregnancy unit in the hospital. We waited for about an hour before seeing the doctor, even though we had an appointment made. She was kind and caring, explaining to us and letting us know how things will proceed with the miscarriage. The hospital generally do not encourage d&c procedure unless necessary as it may cause scaring, puncture etc to the uterus. And because I had the severe pain and bleeding just few hours ago( meaning my body had started to do its job to clean it out), she suggest that we should come back in a week to check if everything is expell out of the body. 

Sometimes, women may take about a week or two to fully expell everything. So there are no hurry to do anything as yet. (Phew! That was a great relief!)

Out of curiousity, I asked if I could do a scan, just to check if the baby is still in there. (Because quite a lot of things actually came out) The doctor did not say no, and we waited for half an hour for the scan to be performed. The radiologist was very gentle and explained what she saw on our screens. The uterus looks empty. The baby we saw just few days earlier, was not there anymore. It was quite sad, yet relieved to know that nothing was left inside to cause inflammation or other nasty side effects. 

So I am not pregnant anymore. =(

The doctor was surprised that things had cleared out so cleanly in such short time. Something we still give thanks to God for. We were given the all clear, not needing any follow ups and no invasive procedures. 

So we spent two days resting at home and I started my 'confinement'. 

Eric and I had our crying moments on and off since then, but we were more thankful for having each other's presence for support and love during this tough time. 

If asking me what I had learned through this short pregnancy? I would say, it is to get a good gp who specialise in seeing patients for pregnancy and knows what to do, when the expecting mum had some doubts about the pregnancy. There were many signs during when I was unwell, which suggested that something was not right. But all the concerns were quickly dismissed by the gp. And I felt horrible, needing to 'beg' him for the scan at 12 weeks, only to know then, it was too late. 

I'm doing much better now. The bleeding had stopped and I'm still taking my confinement herbs to strengthen my body. I hope I'll be better prepared the next time I'm pregnant, and be able to bring good news to you all, instead of a sad one. 

I thank God for the many church sisters and brothers whom had showered us with love and care during this time, and also my dear Rong Rong whom is a good listener and councillor during my time of tears. 

Gd night.

Kcan